This story was originally published on December 30 by The Forward. Sign up here to receive the latest stories from The Forward every morning.
2021 has been a year of fresh beginnings – not only for our newly reopened society, but also for the coronavirus pandemic, which continues to mutate into increasingly frightening new variants of Greek letters.
And so, we end 2021 on a note of uncertainty. In a year like this, when Taylor Swift surprised us with a 10-minute hit parade originally written for a ten-year-old album, Drake boycotted the Grammys and Facebook began its dark metaverse, we have need a reliable idea of what to expect in 2022.
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Look no further than this list.
My last attempt at this prediction game yielded surprisingly accurate results. (The rules: Predictions must be funny, and if they turn out to be correct, it’s largely accidental.) Benjamin Netanyahu ultimately lost an Israeli election, though his subsequent career moves didn’t take him on. at least not yet. HAIM released some sort of single mentioning Canter’s Deli, although tragically Vampire Weekend doesn’t appear to be involved.
This year, like every year, I try to be even more precise, by consulting the stars, the sheets of Sleepytime Tea and the almanacs of the years ending in ’22, and, above all, by following this sentiment in my kishkes .
Without further ado, here are my 22 absolutely pop culture predictions about the brand for the year ahead.
1. The Israeli Ministry of Culture unveils an NFT of the Kotel. The Chief Rabbinate of Israel meets to discuss whether this counts as idolatry.
2. The 2021 title of Paul Rudd’s Sexiest Man is revoked for a technicality when he turns out to be a charming ageless vampire. “You see, he’s not alive but undead,” said a spokesperson for People. Rudd, who remains ravishingly beautiful, clarifies that, like the Cullens of “Twilight,” he only eats animal blood and doesn’t bite people – a disappointing development for many willing familiars.
3. Mark Zuckerberg, eager to enter space alongside Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk, announces Metamissile, Meta’s orbital flight program. (Meta stock drops as investors fear association with digestive health – Metamucil gets a bump.) Inaugural passengers include Buzz Aldrin, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Zuckerberg’s Uncle Alvin, a NASA enthusiast who has always shown his rocks lunar during family seders. The shuttle, supposed to land after two hours of orbital flight, never returns.
4. After a global petition, threats of UN sanctions and a long race against the Hot 100, Jake Gyllenhaal is forced to finally return the Taylor Swift scarf mentioned in “All Too Well (Taylor’s Version)”.
5. The International Space Station receives a transmission of what they believe to be metamissile. After reconnecting and asking to speak to the astronaut on board, the control team spends 10 minutes listening to Alvin Zuckerberg walk along the ship calling out “Buzz?” Buzz? It’s for you! Buzz? ”Before Aldrin could give the ISS a status update.
6. After a nationwide search, Haddasah Levine, 63, chairman of the Temple Beth El trivia league in Coral Gables, Flor. is named the new permanent host of “Jeopardy!”
7. Henry Kissinger, 99, releases “Diplomacy After Dark”, a book of erotic poetry. Commentary gives it a rave review, calling it a “Song of Songs for Modern Times”.
8. Japanese Breakfast, named after musician Michelle Zauner, joins HAIM and Impossible Meats to produce a new line of meatless ham for breakfast, JB Haim. Its kosher status is widely debated in Jewish circles, but Canter’s Deli wastes no time adding it to their menu.
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9. Adam Sandler, after being seen one too many times snacking on street pickles in unglamorous winter clothes to escape the internet’s attention, is launching a fashion line, Happy Madisons. Dubbed “shlubleisure” by GQ, its iconic items include ruched shorts, graphic t-shirts inspired by shops on the Venice promenade and a partnership with Adidas that pairs long tube socks with low-top sneakers. The brand kicks off, true to the Sandler fashion, with a series of commercials featuring comedy buddies Kevin James, Chris Rock and David Spade. (Rob Schneider is snubbed.)
10. Bitten by the music bug and disappointed with the lukewarm box office broadcast of “West Side Story”, Steven Spielberg struggles to film “Starlight Express”, a musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber on a train on the theme of space. James Corden – of course – stars as Ashley the Smoking Car.
11. Having failed to gain accreditation from his controversial Austin University, Bari Weiss targets a younger audience, creating a line of Baby Einstein-style baby tapes featuring infantile avatars of anti-awake crusaders. like David Mamet, Andrew Sullivan and Caitlin Flanagan. Cassettes become a surprising success across ideological lines when parents find they are very effective in lulling children to sleep.
12. Elon Musk is converted. The Hebrew name is Elon Menachem.
13. Lin-Manuel Miranda, who continues to be Yeshiva University’s most prominent pitchman, announces partnership with YU Drama Club to launch new musical on the life and times of Benjamin Cardozo . An example of lyrics: “Everyone knows I’m the Poet Laureate of Case Law / Repping Common Law just like I represent all Juden / You know my reputation, my sense of the law / Call me as Chief Justice , but you can call me Ben. “
14. Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff becomes the first Vice President Spouse to become a Certified Mohel.
15. NASA HQ in Houston picks up a video message from the Helix Nebula. Codebreakers decipher a Quicktime file of a hooded character calling himself Grand Imperator Sporp, calling to say he has made contact with the Metamissile and takes Alvin Zuckerberg to his home planet while freeing the other astronauts. Clearly, Alvin, after protesting that his nephew is a chewer on Earth, sealed his own fate as a valuable captive. His ransom is set at 800 Bitcoins, as aliens from the Helix Nebula are now “dabbling in crypto”.
16. Hanukkah 2022 welcomes a new plush, elf-like creature that divides in the form of the “Shammash Shrimp”. Target also draws the ire of Jewish consumers by producing Hanukkah merchandise featuring etrogs, matzoh, and an image of the infamous Jewish heretic Shabbetai Zvi.
17. Seth Rogen is developing a pottery wheel that you can smoke weed with.
18. Kanye West, having finally heard of Leonard Cohen’s wicked poem about him, releases a diss track from the late singer-songwriter who samples “Dance Me to the End of Love”. It’s in bad taste, sure, but it’s actually West’s best single in years.
19. In press releases for “The Batman,” Zoë Kravitz reveals that while preparing for her role as Catwoman, she made regular visits to the studio of former New York City candidate Curtis Sliwa to observe the behavior of his herd of feline companions in a cramped space. , urban environment.
20. Richard Kind leaves moviegoers speechless when he portrays the new James Bond.
21. Mark Zuckerberg makes a deal with the aliens in the Helix Nebula for his Uncle Alvin, offering them 600 Bitcoins and 20 Dogecoins. Alvin Zuckerberg refuses to return to Earth until his nephew also gives him money for a new winter coat, “preferably Gore-Tex”.
22. Sally Rooney’s new campus novel, “Respectful Differences,” follows the tortured inner monologues and lengthy ideological email exchanges of two Columbia University undergraduates – one a member of the J Street Section of the university, the other president of the student Jewish Voice for Peace. The Forward writes 65 articles on this subject. PJC
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